10 Months Heroin Free - And I Rebuilt My Life
I'm going to keep this post short and sweet, but today marks a special day for me.
December 10th, 2016 was the last day that I smoked a crack rock and snorted a lot of heroin.
I had overdosed and nearly died only a few days before this date - I was in a back alley and no one was around. SOMEHOW, EMT's found me and brought me back - it took 3 hits of Narcan (opiate/opioid reversing agent) to bring me back, along with the good old "sternum rub" (other junkies will know what this means).
I left Vancouver on the 10th high as a kite - only knowing that I was returning home to NY, a failure, yet again - except this time I was going to rehab.
I was going to get clean and sober for good.
I did a 5-day hospital detox/taper using low dose methadone.
Then, I went directly to a 30-day rehab and successfully completed it.
I moved back to my childhood home with my family, feeling low and miserable - trying to patch things up with my ex, broke as a joke, and a failure in everyone's eyes.
But something clicked in rehab - I had the power to choose whether or not I picked up and used. I had the power to say NO.
All I had to do was love myself first. Forgive myself. Accept myself for who I was - my faults and all.
It wasn't an easy process. It took months and months of struggling, depression, mania (I'm manic depressive bipolar, on top of being an addict), as well as never really getting over my ex. It took a solid 8.5 months to finally realize that I had to put myself first.
So I did. I started writing. I started talking and venting. I started accepting who I was - even the bad parts. I started making little changes daily.
I started walking instead of just talking.
And about a month ago, it finally hit - I realized that I was actually starting to find happiness again.
I was starting to LOVE myself.
10 months ago I was strung out, homeless, hopeless, and one of the shittiest human beings on the face of the earth with the way I behaved.
The street in this picture is called "Hastings Street" in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver - the street that nearly took my life.
Now - I can proudly say that I HAVE indeed changed. I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes.
But I'm growing. I'm learning to accept responsibility and face the consequences, instead of running and masking the pain by getting high.
As they famously say in Narcotics Anonymous - "Just for Today: I will set my own house in order. Today, I will examine my part in the problems in my life. If I owe amends, I will make them."
I think this picture perfectly portrays my sentiments to a T.
And day by day, I'm making amends and growing - little by little.
If you're struggling with addiction, remember - you're not alone. Help is available. Talk to someone - get the help you need and change your life.
If I didn't get help, I wouldn't be writing this right now - I'd be 6 feet under or in prison. Don't let that be your fate. You always have a choice.
You are strong. You can do this. I believe in you. And I'm here if you're suffering and need to talk <3
So, happy 10 months clean to me. I can't wait until I make it 1 year!
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Well done...Keep it up bro! Glad to hear they didn't just shove you on a methadone or suboxone maintenance program. For me, Ibogaine was my saviour several years ago after a good long 20-year struggle in and out of the rooms, maintenance programs etc etc..u know the score ;)
I've heard great things about Ibogaine - it worked well for you? That's amazing. I'm so glad to hear that you're free of this bullshit too. I was on methadone for 1.5 years - this was a 6-year habit that escalated to heroin in Vancouver, which finally led to my demise.
I've been in and out too man....we know the drill. Glad we're both still here to tell the tale, my man. Keep it going bro - one day at a time, that's all that matters.
Yeah, Ibogaine was incredible but ridiculously scary. It's no magic bullet and doesn't work for everyone, but it gave me what I needed. Nowadays I don't do 'the program' anymore but then I'd never recommend jumping ship if it's working. Whatever works works, and somehow I've found my own way. LIfe is good and a far cry from living out of a needle and spoon :)
10 months ago?! That's a testament to your will to not just survive but thrive. You are so freakin' special. There is no one that can be you and the world would be a much dimmer place without our cuddly little panda bear. Love you to pieces.
Ahh I just adore you. You made my night with your comment just now! <3 Seriously, friends (even new ones) and family are mainly what helped me weather the storms when the days were brutal....things are a lot easier now, but I still have to actively watch out for myself and stay in check.
You guys help me do just that with all the love and support you all show me. It's an honor and a privilege to have had the opportunity to build this community and have such incredible people like yourself join - love you to pieces too!! <3
Keep going brother. You're strong enough to kick this shit for life. 10 months is a huge accomplishment -- don't ever give up!
Thank you as always my brother - for being a client, and a friend when I need one.
Stay strong, bud! It's a bit cliche, but I do believe in you! (The amount of work you put in wrangling the Unmentionables is something that only a seriously capable person could handle, so I know you can handle this.)
You're fucking awesome. If I were high there would be no way I could manage the workload I do, plus the group - you're right haha. Thank you for your kind words - and ALSO, I saw you gave me a BellyRub <3 THANK YOU!!!
Cheers, bud!
Congrats my friend. I myself am a recovering heroin addict. I had 5 years and then got complacent and got loaded for 7 years straight down on pain and wastings. I am currently in Harbor light tx centre downtown Van with p months clean on the 13 th of this month. I love your post, we are family in our struggle to defeat the devil.
God bless you @fatpandadesign
I rarely resteem posts like these, but this was refreshingly straight to the point, enlightning and very inspiring.
I truly appreciate it - I just wanted to remind myself of how far I've come and the many reasons I have NOT to mess it all up again.
Writing is therapeutic for me and also helps keep me accountable - with my friends, with the community, etc. So you guys help me just as much as writing does.
Thank you kindly.
STAY STRONG.
Wow, thank you for the huge upvote. It's a daily struggle, sobriety - but it's been the most rewarding decision I've ever made in my entire fucking life.
I think I've finally found my purpose in life - and I realized I don't need substances to fulfill my mission.
I'm so glad that you have made the decisions that you have made and have found the strength to share your story. It is so inspiring to watch you grow and flourish. Love you Panda <3
Thank you Helen <3 It's amazing to have friends like you that are so supportive hehe! Love you too!!
Addiction can be annoying. I wrote about my alcohol addiction too. Thank God you have stopped it.