i am addicted to porn…there a sad it.

And it's not easy to admit this so much tabu so much misinformation. i have been thinking in desperation about what I can do. Then I remembered I have this account here and maybe make a blog about it.
it's a lot of us has this problem but most of us are behind curtains in shame. maby it can help me to be open about it a been hiding it for a long time and its slowly consumes me.

Long story short, I will try.
I have PTSD and body dysmorphia from my childhood where a was “researched” on by the health care system when a was born the hospital where assuming a had a brain damage do to a trubbel birth. I was testing, measuring and cutting open my head at one point. And after a while you start to believe it's something wrong with you. now 30 years later. i am very damaged.

I have a very hard time connecting with people, just a hate been hug. i hate my body can't dress up and make myself look good. but for some reason haven given up a have a job a like owning my one flat. don't drown in debt.

so my problem has been there for maybe last 10 years but last half a year has been much worse this is mainly do toonlyfans, before a was on porn hub all the time like when a was playing a game on my pc a had a porn on my phone next to me. but before x-mas a was curious onlyfansmodels where popping up in my instagram feed
So I joined the site. found a girl who liked but was afraid of her, could not even chat but after a while.

a did so I was exposed to power of onlyfans where the girls you are looking at can chat to you give you compliments try to be nice to you to spend money, a understood it was dangerous but the curious part of my was stronger:

what harm can it do to spend some money here..

so spend 200$ or something was so angry i understood it will ruin me just the girl say hello to me was so devastating this dont happen in my real life where am invisible.
but deleted the app after a few days and understood it. fast forward a few months. A started one more time just a week ago a was feeling down a was lonely and sad. was thinking this time its different. I know what it is. but the man was wrong. this time a lost totally control a spend maby 1000-1500$

so what now. first think a will not blame myself. it don't help anything. a have zero shame am accepting what a did a know its a drug for me a know a can't do it anymore it's going to be the end of me.

a need to delete the app one more time.
need to start train again (and a have)
one day at the time.
am going to try to loos some weight am 10-15 over what alike to be.
A contacted sexologist a need help i can't do it alone.