Upon My Deep Reflection - My Actifit Report Card: May 7 2019

Good evening Steemians,
Today feels like quite an accomplishment. Despite being short handed at work and having to clean up the messes from last night. I'm glad I was spared and didn't have to commute and be a field tech. I've been working on an automation project for like two weeks, to install licensed software for about 35 computers and I think I finally have it together. It's going to be reviewed tomorrow I hope and hopefully no bugs are found and it can be deployed. Just sucks that I haven't had a window of opportunity to push the install myself. These are forces out of my control. Would be nice if another shift can take care of it but it's me that seems to carry the responsibility. Lesigh. It's a curiosity that my supervisor was upset I have put so much time into this project yet it was a project our boss gave me and his equivalent. So you would think he should be relieved it's close to being done. You can imagine the weight lifted off my shoulders when I had my project working in my test environment.

There's so much work to be done but I hope I can find some time for myself. If there is such a thing.

Before I go deep into my thoughts. I did manage to go to the gym for the 3rd time this week. Managed to run a mile minute faster than yesterday on the treadmill and worked the upper body. Man I'm going to be sore tomorrow.maybe tomorrow will be a rest day and I can focus on starting my homework. Hopefully I don't have too many obligations this week.

NicoNico drawn by Fusui

I was thinking a lot about my last post with my insecurities. How my coworkers want such a high salary and if it's their ego or our team could be worth so much value. In reality it's really a reflection of myself. I definitely believe I'm a hard worker, but the irony is I don't feel worthy or any less human. Like a lack of confidence I still have to build and remind myself I am worthy. Not to be taken for granted and continue to increase my self worth and raise the bar. I just have to do the research and see with my knowledge and skill what is that value. When you don't recognize your value and self worth you settle for so much less and people can sense that and they may think it's okay to treat you less than you believe you are worth. Putting good or bad energy out there has a tendency to make it happen. If you believe you're worth so much or so little. Maybe one day it might just happen.

This lack of confidence also extends to other social media. I was talking to a close friend and I admitted I didn't have the confidence to reach out to new people or I would feel like I'm intruding or I don't have the social status to talk to them. These insecurities sound crazy but it pushed me back from reaching out and making friends online and in person. I have to remember I'm just as human as they are and I should just take a chance.

And being so consumed with work and school. It's a big distraction to keep my mind busy from the emotional heartache of not taking care of myself and socializing with others. I'm soo used to sacrificing everything, all or nothing mentality and it's so harmful. It bottles up so much emotion, when we finally have a chance to acknowledge it. It's too overwhelming. Technology is supposed to provide a platform to bring everyone together and not isolate us further, giving us anxiety and feeling depressed. If we push ourselves so hard we have to balance our lives and give ourselves a chance to relax and enjoy life. It's okay to take a break at a park, the beach, go shopping, watch a new series, play a video game. And most importantly, do so with others.

Previously, I mentioned there were times where I had disgust for myself. That I am not the person I want to be and sometimes I feel powerless to do anything about it. It all becomes frustrating and upsetting. Almost to a self loathing. But really… I have to acknowledge that yeah. I'm not perfect, nor am I the brightest star. But I have to reflect and look for my better qualities. There are traits and attributes and maybe some passive skills that are wonderful and they help keep me going when my motivation and drive is almost nil.

Hopefully this year will offer more opportunities for me to grow as a person. I want to be magnificent and dazzle the world in my splendor. If for some reason I can't hopefully I can for a few ^w^

Writing this post made me think back to my grade school years. I was a big fan to the group Nightwish and how poetic their songs were

Sleeping Sun (OFFICIAL VIDEO) by Nightwish

This was definitely one of my faves

Ever Dream by Nightwish

Daily Activity, Moving Around Office, Running, Treadmill, Walking, Weight Lifting