Memory Contamination

I remember when I read about memory contamination in Kathleen Sullivan's book Unshackled.  She suggested that when a person was in the process of recovery, which is also called deprogramming in this case.  They should avoid creating the opportunity for memory to be contaminated by other testimonies. 

By the time I read Kathleen Sullivan's book, I had already read Brice Taylor's book.  I knew who Fritz Springmeier was.  So I wondered whether I should worry about memory contamination because of this.  The reality is that there a lot more resources and stories that we can be exposed to early on in our recovery.  Although, it is encouraging to know that there have also been enough testimonies to corroborate that people do not claim ritual abuse because they are influenced by stories from other people. 

The Greenbaum speech explains how therapists came to terms with this reality because they compared notes with each other and did blind investigations with their patients.   So there is also more validation for survivors than there was when Kathleen Sullivan was discussing the subject of memory contamination to consider.  Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that we can enjoy testimonies available to us in a way that was not possible several years ago because of this.  These stories are able to provide encouragement to us to persevere through the valleys of recovery.  

I remember reading her book and thinking of how brave she was to forge ahead the way she did.  I wondered if I could ever be so courageous.  Although, I was a little discouraged because so much of what she said were not things that I had experienced.  I could relate to some things, but being from a different generation among other things, made a lot of her story seem foreign to me in many ways.  

It was hard for me to know that our stories were so divergent at the time, but I learned that it is tough to take on the story of another survivor because of this.  There is just nothing to gain from doing this when you are suffering.  Lying to myself would not alleviate the suffering I was experiencing in my soul. 

Over the years, I have come to learn that my system more closely resembles a communist regime.  I learned the other day that oils will cause a change in alter states.  I have been experimenting with essential oils for healing.  Apparently, rosemary is supposed to really help improve memory.  Well, it either works very well, or I am triggered by oils, and I didn't realize it before.  

I had a profound moment of realization as a result of this.  It was so intense that I wonder when I will be able to share it with someone else.  This got me thinking about the role validation plays.  I realized that the only reason I was afraid to face this before was that I felt like I would need validation to be able to hold on to it.  

It was at this moment that I understood what it must have been like for Kathleen Sullivan to face these things that had no comparison at the time.  I realized that I don't need an audience to validate my experiences, and I don't need to be afraid that rejection will take the truth away from me.  

So I am going to keep this next piece to myself for a little while.  It feels good to be able to hold it without depending on someone else to give me permission to integrate it into my identity.  It makes me feel free.