A year without influence.
October 8th 2017 was considered the worse year of my life.
For many reasons too, My father had just died & unfortunately a former friend had been exposed as a pathological liar.
It begun one of the hardest roads I would ever have to go down. It was a quiet simply a year without influence. But why the title, A year without influence?
To give this blog a bit more reason we have to go back a little. To where it all begun, As a little kid.
My Dad was a truck driver & spend most of his life working in the transportation industry. He loved it & this where I saw my Dad as this bigger then life figure in my life. He drove for a living & the road was his life & me been so young I was mesmerized by this & wanted to be closer to him.
Our relationship was built on the prospects of travel, food & TV which sounds odd I understand but this is how Myself & Dad connected. It wasn't like he didn't love me nor I with him, Its just that's how we connected & we found purpose through these elements.
For example, My Dad had a Motorcycle which he treasured & was his pride & joy. I remember vividly the joy & happiness that was on my fathers face :)
He, In my eyes. Was a bigger then life figure & I looked up to him, He was a influence.
Sometimes it was hard to talk to him about my teenager problems & because it wasn't how we connected. This isn't to say he didn't care it was a closed off subject with Dad.
Fast forwarding a bit now. Dad & I would fight cause I just didn't understand why he didn't care anymore & I was infuriated with him. But deep down Dad was suffering with his own disconnections & this was one of them. However Dad tried but it wasn't in him.
To explain further, Dad always felt his own father to care about him & felt a sense of disconnection...
This broke his heart & I think this carried all the way to the times with me. Why should he care? Was it too much effort? Or couldn't he care less?
The truth was he did care, He just didn't know how to show it. So when I said to him that something was wrong with me & I felt down he pushed me away in somewhat a angry way :'(
Around the time Dad was dying I was going through a problem with a former friend who was lying all the time & turned out to be pathological lair. But that's for another post.
When Dad died, It really felt like I never knew him or him with me. It happened so fast. I couldn't justify his death having happened & it broke my heart.
In the next blog I will explain further to how I got through one of the hardest times of my life & I hope this post finds someone & can make them feel at ease knowing they are not alone.