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Very cool idea, having the lawyer tell a fairy tale with animal stand-ins for the characters! I also enjoyed how quickly and violently things unraveled and got nasty between the co-conspirators. :D Nicely done!
I think this is brilliant. You spin a convincing parable. You sorted all the characters, made parallels in your story-within-a-story, and guided us to your theory of the crime. Well told....And great insight into human nature. That is the core of every classic parable.
I was hoping it turned out alright. I'd like to know how this story could have more punch. Did you know the outcome straight off or did it leave you guessing until the end what was going to happen?
It was a challenge for me to use code for all the characters. Did you catch what I did with a few of the names of the animals. ;-)
I didn't get the trick with the names...but what happened (what should happen in a story like this, I think), is the reader gets to enjoy the net closing around the suspects. We're in on it. Plus...your character portraits are priceless, especially:
"Laper, a baby chick. She was bald from head to toe due to some chicken disease (!!). She estranged herself from the group and was never let back inside to experience the comfort of family and friends. She was fed only second-hands scraps. Her cognitive decline, memory loss, impaired language skills, and behavioral and emotional changes, made the group uneasy.
I guess the punch came with the mother murdering the father for the money. What a nest of undesirables. I didn't understand the part about the overlord taxes, but it sounded medieval so it fit right in with the parable.
I’m glad I made you feel like you were in on it. Cool.
The names of the suspects are anagrams! 😏 I couldn’t figure out one that I liked for John besides C.J.
I should have kept the previous referance but I missed it when editing. The overlord is supoosed to represent the government as a whole with the farmer (police) doing their bidding. Gotta collect them eggs for their fare share. 🤨
somehow it reminded the Animal Farm by Orwell. I see several affinities with that book. It's a cunning elaborate parable who reveals a lot of work from your end. Congrats Tristan!
What literally @agmoore said, but without the human nature apart. It instead is a great insight to the ideology we've been spoonfed and have yet to seriously question as the economy benefits from it. This we are blind to see consciously and, despite us being unconscious of it, we still do it. To say "greed!" consciously is to say nothing; to talk of how it came about, why the economy benefits from it and why our societal structures nurtures its growth is to then finally be able to then understand why we commit to such actions. Regardless, the story is very telling; especially the beuracratic part that was being hinted with the gap in the fox and farmer except in the beginning and end. They cannot operate without getting their funds, even if it's from dirty money, and they need a slice of the pie since they do benefit from being in the chaos of wills and inheritances. Upvot'd and resteem'd.
Thanks for your view point. It speaks to the way our society is run.
Greedy people run the government, in my opinion. I'm no longer strongly against the idea of collecting taxes as I once was. The problem I do have with the idea is that the greedy people having say over how those funds are allocated. These greedy people also have their hands in piles that have nothing to do with them and should keep their greedy hand out of.
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Very cool idea, having the lawyer tell a fairy tale with animal stand-ins for the characters! I also enjoyed how quickly and violently things unraveled and got nasty between the co-conspirators. :D Nicely done!
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I think this is brilliant. You spin a convincing parable. You sorted all the characters, made parallels in your story-within-a-story, and guided us to your theory of the crime. Well told....And great insight into human nature. That is the core of every classic parable.
I was hoping it turned out alright. I'd like to know how this story could have more punch. Did you know the outcome straight off or did it leave you guessing until the end what was going to happen?
It was a challenge for me to use code for all the characters. Did you catch what I did with a few of the names of the animals. ;-)
I didn't get the trick with the names...but what happened (what should happen in a story like this, I think), is the reader gets to enjoy the net closing around the suspects. We're in on it. Plus...your character portraits are priceless, especially:
I guess the punch came with the mother murdering the father for the money. What a nest of undesirables. I didn't understand the part about the overlord taxes, but it sounded medieval so it fit right in with the parable.
Really very clever.
I’m glad I made you feel like you were in on it. Cool.
The names of the suspects are anagrams! 😏 I couldn’t figure out one that I liked for John besides C.J.
I should have kept the previous referance but I missed it when editing. The overlord is supoosed to represent the government as a whole with the farmer (police) doing their bidding. Gotta collect them eggs for their fare share. 🤨
:)) Nice dig at bureaucracy!
somehow it reminded the Animal Farm by Orwell. I see several affinities with that book. It's a cunning elaborate parable who reveals a lot of work from your end. Congrats Tristan!
I've skimmed that book. Good one, no doubt.
I had this at about 1100 words before edits. I just wrote the story out. The trouble was editing down, as good writing may already know. 8-)
Editing down is one of the best exercises to improve the writing style imo
What literally @agmoore said, but without the human nature apart. It instead is a great insight to the ideology we've been spoonfed and have yet to seriously question as the economy benefits from it. This we are blind to see consciously and, despite us being unconscious of it, we still do it. To say "greed!" consciously is to say nothing; to talk of how it came about, why the economy benefits from it and why our societal structures nurtures its growth is to then finally be able to then understand why we commit to such actions. Regardless, the story is very telling; especially the beuracratic part that was being hinted with the gap in the fox and farmer except in the beginning and end. They cannot operate without getting their funds, even if it's from dirty money, and they need a slice of the pie since they do benefit from being in the chaos of wills and inheritances. Upvot'd and resteem'd.
Thanks for your view point. It speaks to the way our society is run.
Greedy people run the government, in my opinion. I'm no longer strongly against the idea of collecting taxes as I once was. The problem I do have with the idea is that the greedy people having say over how those funds are allocated. These greedy people also have their hands in piles that have nothing to do with them and should keep their greedy hand out of.