Words 3.13.19

Look, I know its none of my business who you do whatever with. I get that. I understand that. I don’t report to you any change in my relationships. (Which, by the way, are non-existent right now and you didn’t know that) But contrary to what you think, or the type of person you claim that I am, I do care. I don’t want you to be miserable (I’m not saying you are). I literally wish nothing for you but happiness. Yes, there is a large part of me that still wishes it was with me, but that isn’t feasible. We’re too different, we always have been, but the older we get, the harder it is to ignore those things. I get that too. And this isn’t some attempt to try to start things up again, it’s just me being honest. That’s it. I hate that everything is separate. We’re both missing so many things with them and it breaks my heart. All the little silly as moments that the other isn’t there for. I know the ones that you’re missing, and I can only imagine the ones that I’m missing. I understand that this is all for the most part the healthier option for everyone involved but somedays it still sucks. I hate that you don’t want to tell me whats going on with you and your family, like we’re just some strangers on the street. It hurts a part of my soul that I didn’t expect to still give a damn. You know? And maybe it’s the wedding that I just went to, or maybe it’s something that I’ve just been ignoring. Hell, maybe it’s both. Long story short, I just want you to know that I do care. I care about you, your family, if you’re okay, if they’re okay. You guys might not always be my favorite people but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I know I say I don’t care, but not I don’t mean it in the sense that you are assuming. I mean more as in, that’s fine, or it doesn’t bother me, or something along those lines. Sometimes the I don’t care takes place of all the things I really do care about, but I know I’m not supposed to anymore, so its easier to tell you that I don’t care then a fight starting over something that I can’t change regardless. You know? Last thing is that I want you to know that I have your back, I know you don’t believe me, and that you don’t need me to, but I want you to know that I do. The only that comes before that is me and the kids. I know that sounds selfish, but I need to have my back before I have yours. I don’t know if that makes sense, but at this point it’s me vs. the world, so I need to make sure I’m good, so that I can make sure they are. And yes, it’s a slower process for me than it was for you, but as always I’m working on it. I think I’ll always be a work in progress.