Dear Mommy

I must have tried to write this hundreds of times. Only to find myself making an excuse to avoid writing this. How do you deal with something like this? How do you deal with losing a loved one? How do you deal with losing your mother? I'm a boy without his mommy. Now I know no one lives forever. I don't fool myself into thinking that everything as we see it is always going to be. Things change, time changes, time keeps marching on. But how do you keep marching on? I find myself asking the question, "How can people live this way?" "How can people not let something like this affect them?" Do they just ignore it, do they grow cold because of it? It's hard as hell for me to forget it. I keep getting a deep sharp hurting feeling in the middle of my stomach. I am overwhelmed with sorrow, fright, uneasy feeling, scared asking myself "What next?" We are all going to experience it, but why sooner? Why not later? God it still feels so unreal. I just can't believe it!

My mom passed away barely a week ago. I feel sick to my stomach, but I'm writing this to vent. Because I just need to get this out. What started as headaches, turned to stomachache, turned out to be cirrhosis of the liver. From that she had shallow breathing, which meant she wasn't getting enough oxygen. So ammonia was gathering on her brain. She also had pneumonia. The liver wasn't producing the right nutrients to help get rid of the pneumonia. The difficult and devastating part was she was coherent the whole time in the hospital. We all thought, including her, that she was going to make it. She was hungry and thirsty while there. She was joking and talking to the nurses. She spent 2 days in the ER before they finally moved her to a room. In the room she was talking to us, joking with us, telling us she was going to get better and be out soon. The doctors made it seem like the only problem was the pneumonia. Next thing you know, her oxygen level are going low. They have her on 100% oxygen. She is still talking, working with the respiratory team to breath in the medicine to kill the pneumonia. They tried putting a mask on her face, that didn't work. The doctor came in and told us the next thing would be a tube down her throat and having a machine breath for her. Me and my mom looked at each other and said, "if its going to help." The doctor made it seem like she was only going to be a week on the machine, then she will be off. She didn't even last 24 in ICU. All of a sudden her kidneys started to fail. All I could think of is "What can I do," "What deal with god do I have to make," "What can I do to stop this, I want my mommy back?" Did the doctors do everything they could do? Why didn't they start medicines, procedures sooner? It felt like they weren't giving it their all.

What also made that week difficult was that I had to take care of my 82yr old veteran father who not has cancer, but a million other things wrong with him. Something my mom always did. I mean visiting the doctors, all that they asked was "Where's your mom?" Matter fact, the minute I got the bad news was at 8:43am. I was taking my dad to his Infectious Disease Doctor for an infection he has in his back from an old bolt from a past fusion the couldn't get out. They had to cut it with bolt cutters, and the tip of the bolt grew an infection that no medicine could get rid of. For a while he had a Picc Line directly in his heart to give him medicine to keep the infection at bay. God, typing all this hurts. All these feelings and emotions. Wanting to cry, wanting to get mad, wanting to find excuses or something to blame. Why god, why did you take my mommy?!?! She was 64yrs old, she wasn't suppose to go like this. She was suppose to grow older, and go then. Not in the middle of her life!!! Not in the middle of mine!!!

So now I sit here, trying to be strong. I have 3 children, a wife, and my father who are all taking this hard. My wife, oh my wife. We've been together for 12 years. I use to joke and kid that she was more her kid than I was. They talked about everything. My wife always said she knows more about my mommy than I did. They talked so much that my dad would get jealous. Hell, even I would get jealous. It wasn't always like that. As a typical good mommy, she was tough, distant, mean to her in the beginning. Maybe it was the whole "You're not good enough for my baby," or "You're not serious." But my wife stayed around. One day when my wife and I was arguing, she defended her. From that moment on, any disagreement my wife and I had, she always took her side. She has been breaking down hurting ever since. Her mother has come over a few times, and she has even told her it hurts. That she was more of a mom to her, than she was. That's another story for another time. But it's true. Her mom even said she is thankful for how she was able to change and help shape who her daughter has become today. But she and I feel lost without her. She was the boss lady, the ramrod, the foreman. She kept the family together, she took care of everything, she was it. She was training my wife how to take over, and take care of everything. She never finished.

So as I sit here, sighing, wondering where do I go from here. Did I mention I'm the only child. So everything, from doctors calling, hospital staff, social service, everything you can imagine. People and things I have never heard of asking me to sign this, whats going on with this, have to deal with this. Constant reminders that "Hey, your mom is dead." The phone ringing over and over again. So much that I put it on vibrate because I don't want to hear it. Not a break, not a moment just to breath. I don't know if it's just me, but I think people become desensitize. All these people in these fields where they see families hurt, suffer, lose someone. You hear them say, "my condolences," or "sorry for your loss" but are they really sorry? I don't know, all I know is I couldn't do their job. I would be feeling bad all the time. Then dealing with funeral homes. It feels like "It's all about the sale" to them. I just couldn't do it.

God I miss you mommy, is it something I did? Am I being punished? Will I see you ever again? Will I ever get to ask you "Why did you leave me?" I know if you could speak to me, you would be telling me sorry. I know you would say that you didn't want to go. That it is what it is, and you have to keep moving forward. I know that this pain will never go away. That this hurt, this piece of my heart will never heal. Even in the hospital when I cried to you, telling you that I was scared of losing you. That I can't do this, live without you. You told me to "Get my shit together."

I will push on, figure things out, take it one day at a time. I will be strong for my kids. I will do what you would want me to do. I just hope one day that I will get to tell you again, "I love you."