The Prologue: Part Three

 After saying no to antidepressants after some time, I honestly didn’t know where to start with managing my mental health. By this point in time I had experienced several interesting relationships that for whatever reason didn’t work out. Chalk that shit up to life experience and move on.

I had completed university and was looking for a teaching job. The doctors recommended I go to a therapist of some sort and talk out my problems. Me being me took the advice politely and buried it in my draws never to be seen again. In my initial opinion, therapy was a waste of time and an invasion of privacy. I like my privacy. I liked not telling anyone about my issues and keeping it to myself, and in result of that the outcome was suffering in silence.I looked for a teaching job for about a year with no luck, and then decide it wasn’t meant to be. Thankfully at this point in my life I had a positive, which was my now husband. 

While finishing my last year of university I met Richard (aka Rich, Richie, and Awesome Husband). We hit it off and got engaged after a few months. I knew what I wanted and I knew it was him. So I told him so. Turns out he thought I was worth the ride too.It was nice to know that even in the darkest of times that there was light.  Sadly that year and the next ones after family members died. My grandparents were battling Alzheimer’s disease and passed away, my grandfather first and then my grandmother about a year later. I couldn’t help but hurt for my mother not only for losing her parents, but her brother (my uncle) also passed away unexpectedly, leaving behind a family that loved him so.

I eventually found a job. Not in teaching as the pendulum just swung the other way on that one, but I landed a job in administration for an accounting software company. Unfortunately my body did not like this change of environment (as I had not worked in an office before) and my anxiety came back tenfold. For the first three months of my new job, I was vomiting every single morning out of sheer anxiety of doing this job right. My heart would be pounding all day long, my chest would be tight. Sometimes it was hard to breathe.As much as I tried to adjust, I couldn’t. Yet I was determined to make it work. It took me so long to find a job in the first place I felt like I wouldn’t get another opportunity again.  My mind is always in self-doubt mode.  We moved out of my parents place and into a unit. I started going to the gym and getting fit, focusing on eating healthy, making that money and planning our wedding. I was also very busy in my hobby with cosplay and was doing all sorts of crazy side projects. I tried all sorts to keep myself busy. But at the end of the day the environment was not supportive. I had a helicopter manager; the company itself just wasn’t for me. I eventually left under doctor’s orders. The job was ruining my health, I had constant suicidal thoughts and I just couldn’t do it any more no matter how hard I tried to help myself in other ways.