believe in yourself.

Believe in yourself.
Believe in yourself, she says again.
What the.………..
I can't understand what you're asking me to do.

She knows what happened.
and all she has to say is…
believe in yourself?!
I've heard that so many times.
What does that even mean?
Why would I want to believe in myself?
Who am I that I want to believe in myself?

Look, I don't know what you mean by believe in yourself.
all I know is I want to get rid of this anxiety.
My mind's been stuck in a maze for years now.
And I'm fed up with this lifestyle.
I need help, that's why I'm here.
If you can't help me, I guess I'll just leave.

As I exit the intimidating door,
I just keep on wondering what she meant by that
I've never understood what believing in yourself means.
Those words were the type of words a motivational speaker would use.
Dull, boring and not really helping.
So I was just to sit,
And say,
Yes! I'm gonna believe in myself now!
What significance do I have in this world exactly?
I only know of believing in God.
Do you want me to pray to myself?

Sarah knows.
She met me crying in my room one day.
She took no more than five bold steps towards me.
And all she said was---
Believe in yourself.
I still can't understand.
Why would you want me to believe in myself?

Mum?---she was pissed.
This is not the first time this is happening.
She said something else too.
But it doesn't matter because it didn't help either.

I'm just about to leave Sarah's office.
That's when this thought decided to ping in my brain.
Anna Winehouse.

I remember Anna.
The most desired girl in high school..
But I thought I was more beautiful.
Even though I also thought I was the ugliest.
My eyes were always too big.
I was figure one.
I didn't grow much breasts.
And I was laughed at.
No matter what I did they never just grew.

Dearest Anna was the polar opposite.
You dare not attach my poor qualities
To the high and mighty Anna Winehouse.
And she treated herself as such
Because she was looked at all this while.
She cared for the attention.
I craved the attention.
I wanted to savour some praises,
Even if it's a fake one.

I would never be Anna.
I understood that.
But I want to be like Anna.
Even if it's just for a second.

Six long years past,
And Anna's painful memory has refused to leave.

The next thought rushed before I could finish processing the previous,
Jacob Donning.

I remember the day at the bathroom.
My head swirled in a pool of water.
A double U sea. (WC)
My gawking teeth gave way for the water.
And, yes, it reached my intestines.
For a second, I was relieved.
From the suffering from being unattractive.
It was better to be dipped in a WC.
It's don't deserve any better
It's my fault I'm ugly.

I wish Mum hadn't given birth to me.
Maybe, a different mother would have given birth to me.
Maybe I would have a different face.
A different body shape.
Different shape of eyes.
Different manner of talking.
Different everything.

And Ronnie?
I don't understand him.
Why didn't Ronnie stop them?
Why was he so nice before?
He just stood there with them and said nothing.
He was handsome so I didn't understand.
He doesn't go through the same dilemma as me for being ugly.
He watched me waiting,
He watched me hoping,
He watched me frustrated,
He watched me like a fixed point,
And did nothing.

Ronnie avoided me from that day on.
I should have known.
He was friends with Jacob.
I thought he was different.
I thought he knew that there's more to me than just my body structure.
More than what you see.
I couldn't really blame him.
He watched his friends' faces too often.
Judging what eye movements and creases mean.
I bid him good luck but never really said anything.

I guessed I had a friend.
I trusted him and shared my most treasured secret.
That I liked Jacob.
Just like every other girl.
I didn't know people get submerged in toilet seats for liking a bully.

What exactly did I see in this guy?
I don't know.
But I guess he was just special.
Special in his facial expressions.
The way his eyes blinked.
His mannerisms.
The aura.
The perfect set of white teeth.
He was a respected bully.
Yet he was perfect.

Why didn't I stop liking him after that incident?
I have no idea.
And I really hoped I could.
I still hoped that one day,
He'd like me somehow.
I was disgusted with myself.
And pleased at the same time.

I didn't even realise I'd been sitting in the corridor all this while.
I had laid my head on my legs.
I wiped some stray tears away.
Some people stared, some just walked away.
I didn't even know I was crying either.
I guess I was getting used to it.

And you know what,
I'm not actually that iɍritating
University was sort of different.
I made some friends.
I met Debby.
I met Ryan.
And Michaela.
And they gave me hope that I wasn't so distasteful.

Michaela always told me she wasn't pretty.
Debby said the same.
And Ryan couldn't agree any lesser.
We all thought we weren't pretty.
But the difference was,
They weren't waiting for anyone to tell them
That they're pretty.
That they're special.

I didn't need to be special.
I didn't need to be someone else.
I will live my life.
My soul lives in this body.
If I keep on looking for the purpose of this life,
My life would have ended before I find the answer.

Why do I want to be someone else?
There'll be no me if I am them.
You see, we all think like this.
A gazillion number of homo sapiens.
So I'm not alone.
We all want to be someone else.
If we spend our lives trying to be something we're not, then there's no us in existence.
It would only bring more pain.

Even if I didn't fit someone's beauty standards,
I wouldn't live in freedom,
If I was trying to fit in,
If I was trying to be something I'm not.
If I was held down by the past.

I was on my feet again.
And this time, I wanted to know more.
Sarah wanted me to believe in myself.
I can't be someone else.
This is not some Duolingo lesson.
I have just this one life.
And if I throw it away, it's gone.
I need to move forward.
There's no purpose without living first.
Purpose comes after.

Suddenly, I could breathe again.
I felt the air move above my throat and behind my face.
I felt—alive.

Sarah already had another patient.
I'd have to come back on our next appointment.
As I turn to exit the door passageway again,
I hear a thick voice with my name as captions.
I look at the young man leaving Sarah's office,
who was staring directly at me.
"Hi……Jenna"
He said again.

Hi, I say back
Expecting a proper introduction.
But his face,
He looked familiar.
And what's with the—------ what?!
no no no no!
Wait—-Is that–
Wait. The WC?
No way.
It's not happening.
Is that—----Jacob Donning?
No. No. No
No. It can't be.

My legs want to run but they're unable to.
It's happening again. My legs are stiff.
He's trying to say something.
I think he's saying something.
I can't hear him.
Why can't I hear him?
And what's that song playing?
I think it's Mozart.
Mozart?
Mozart's dead, he can't play—
But it's happening again.
I can feel the sweat all over my body.

What's he doing?
Trying to touch my arm?
No way! Don't try to touch me!
I pushed him away. Twice.
I can see the WC.
The feeling of water in my intestines.
The weeks I spent in the hospital.
Seeing Jacob and Anne together.
The grin on their faces.
And Ronnie…….the betrayal
The school cafeteria..
The WC again.

I'm on the floor now.
My face flushed with extreme fear.
I feel cold and the floor's water.
I'm shaking really badly.
The same way Sarah met me.

He looks at me.
I don't understand his expression.
Is he surprised?
Or is he laughing, just like in the double U sea?
Is he terrified?
Are those tears, like for real?
Why is he also shifting backwards?
It's better though.
I don't want to see him.
Where's Sarah?!
Sarah, where are you?!

There's a hand on my head.
It's smooth.
Smooth gentle strokes.
I can't feel it's weight.
But it's there.
And it's familiar.
Sarah?
Sarah!
Sarah's here!
Sarah's here!!

My heart rate's reducing.
And the ground's solid again.
I look up. It's really Sarah.
She's smiling at me.
I stop shaking and I feel warm again.
Jacob's still here.
And he's coming closer.
I can feel the pounding in my chest again.
But I also want to know.
What does he want?

He stands at a distance and bends down
So that we can be at eye level.
We're not in the same school anymore.
What does he want?
I don't even feel the same for him as before.
What does he want?!

I can't take this anymore.
This pounding might just make me explode.
I force my legs.
I run as fast as I can.
Away from that feeling called Jacob.

I can feel Sarah's eyes following me.
She calls my name.
But I don't answer.

I don't want to keep running like this.
Running from my life.
Running from my past.
I need to put an end to this.
Oh Jenna Armstrong,
When would thou be strong?

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If you reached here, thanks a lot. This story means a lot to me 😊