My Doggo and I — A True Love Story

Our beloved doggo’s name is Trixie. She’s weird as fuck! I swear to you. I can not lie. She’s weird as fuck and she makes me clean her shit.

_{no shit!}

She also gets so frigging hyperactive all the time and has a penchant for laying on her back with her four limbs in the air waiting for you to rub the hell out of her, all the while panting like a maniac on the loose.

_{look at me, I perfected the tongue-out}

She’s weird, I tell you. And obviously she’s beautiful as hell. She’s the most beautiful dog ever, if you want to know the truth. But she’s weird, I tell you.

_{are these eyes weird? Uhn? Uhn?}

So check this out. Trixie sees you, right? Trixie sees you sitting down in front of the T.V trying to whoop your friend’s ass at FIFA 18 right, or trying to hunt down and kill a mfycker in Call of Duty, and what does she do!? What does this adorable but weird Trixie do? Why, she starts jumping all over you of course! Nothing weird about that right? Right? Wrong!

Because the way Trixie does it is she jumps all over you with so much vigor and determination, and she scratches the hell out of your back and you brain with her freakishly long nails and then she goes for your hair!

For one reason or the other she always goes for the hair, with so much vigor, I tell you, and conviction, and she never stops until she makes to rip it all off you—as though trying to whoop someone’s ass on FIFA or trying kill a myfker on Call of Duty is such a terrible thing and the only means of atonement is to lose all ya hair.

_{look at me, I perfected the tongue-out again}

And she does it only when you’re playing game. She’s weird, alright. You don’t even know the half of it. What, you dont believe me? Well hear it from the horse’s dog’s mouth. She also has some things to say about me. Just hear her speak.

_{Also she’s celibate and refuses to have sex.}

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_{I'm Trixie and I'm NOT Weird}

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Hello. I'm Trixie and my owner is the weirdest myfcker in the entire physical world and the www. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore, to tell you the truth. He calls himself by another name in real life and then Ras the This and Ras the That on the internet.

As though that aint bad enough, he seems to have a knack for choosing the weirdest shits! Ras the Exhorter? Ras the Destroyer? Ras the myfucker? What in the actual fork?

_{look who’s gentle as hell and not weird at all}

Pardon my language, though, please. I’m really such a lady. But my dumb owner he swears so much in front of me and teaches me bad language.

He’s so lazy too he doesn’t even have a job. All he does is play game all day. Get his ass whooped in FIFA and gets thirty deaths and no single kill in Call of Duty.

I try to save his ass by scratching the stupidity out of his brains and ripping his hair off. Maybe that’d teach him to get a life. He never learns though. He just yells at me with his stinky breath and goes on with his dumbness. I thought you humans were meant to be more “advanced”.

_{my owner isn’t a good representative of your species’ intellectual capacity}

But, I should tell you if I’m going to be fully honest—and I’m one of the most honest doggo you’d ever find, in the entire physical world or on the www—what he lacks in intellect my dumb owner makes up for in passion, compassion and humor. And let’s not forget his dashing, crippling, mind-exploding good looks of course, oh my.

_{i lick myself}

And he makes me laugh—with his weirdness and his tomfoolery and getting killed every time on video games and swearing and cursing the controller.

But he’s a good guy anyhow. Dumb and confused and without a cogent identity yet, but a good guy nonetheless. Make sure you give him your hundred percent upvote. He deserves it.

I love you, O identitless owner. kisses eww your breath stinks go to hell die pretty air kisses #BlessedToHaveACuteOwner #LooksLikeGambino #100%-Upvote