Hey Salty Dawg, I have a treat for you tonight! ;o)

Said the message from the good lady on my phone.

Oh ho, what was this? Was the good lady trying to make me unleash all manner of gammon hell on my poor colleagues?

I looked around at said colleagues. It was mid-afternoon. I was in a meeting and it was quite the dry affair. Some poor Schmoob was wittering on about establishing an agnostic process for something or other.

I scoffed inwardly. Obviously this buffoon wasn't being teased with the prospect of moist flappery by his lady-wife when he got home. Oh no, he was probably going home to download some trial software and shoogle his wireless mouse frantically back and forth till the battery died.

Not I. I was going home to get some chaka chaka tonight! Hurrah!

For the rest of the day I strode about my workplace like a colossus.

Nothing could faze me.

I was a Titan. Nay, a God.

It seemed like no time at all before I was at my front door slipping my key into its well oiled lock.

Daddy-Bear! Don't come in!!!

Came a strident yell from inside.

I attempted to calm my breathing. Good lord, what nature of surprise was this?

We had been married a while so something along the lines of her tottering about in ridiculous heels wearing floaty gossamer things was probably not on the cards but still, something saucy this way was coming.

I could feel it in my water.

Can I come in yet?

I yelled as I girded my loins in anticipation.

God, I hoped the neighbours weren't listening. It would be patently obvious that I was waiting for the hokey cokey.

Come in but watch where you put your feet??!!

She sounded desperate now.

I pushed open the door somewhat gingerly. Was she maybe lying naked on the floor covered only by a number of hastily blown up balloons?

The hallway was empty, save for some tissues discarded at random intervals.

Hmm... My penis started to deflate. I had the sudden feeling I wasn't going to be doing the chorizo waltz after all.

The good lady popped her head around the top of the stairs.

Thank god you are home. There is poop everywhere. Be careful where you stand!

Poop.

Was this my treat? Good lord, it was like she didn't even know me at all?

Why is there poo everywhere?

I asked with a frown.

I was giving the little guy some nappy free time and he just started pooping. Oh god, it's all over the place. I'm sorry! You will have to clean it. I am taking him into the bath!

She dipped her head out of sight which was probably lucky given the gorgon stare I threw at where her head had been.

I will have to clean it? WTF?

Tentatively I lifted one of the tissues on the floor. Yup, poop. As the blood retreated from my pork hammer and back to my other organs I began to notice the smell.

The house stank of shit.

Much wiping, scrubbing and weeping later I surveyed the now clean house. The little lady had been whisked off to bed and I crashed onto the couch feeling sorry for myself.

The good lady entered the room.

Hey Daddy-Bear, sorry about all that.

That's alright lass, these things happen.

I smiled so that she knew I didn't really want to drag her outside and throw her in the bin next to all the shitty bits.

Oh aye, what was my treat then?

I said as I remembered the thing that had gotten my dander aflame earlier.

Oh, I got your favourite ice cream. I thought we could have it whilst watching Peaky Blinders...

For a moment, everything felt right with the world then I remembered what my favourite ice cream was.

Salted Caramel Brownie?

I winced as I said it.

She nodded.

Hmm. Maybe wait till tomorrow night for that one...